Monday 27 July 2015

There's a Jelly Bean Party in My Rib Cage

Help! I’ve got jelly beans trapped in my chest and they are clogging up my brain.

Sitting in a calm environment, listening to music of choice, start to think about something, get a little bit excited about something. A little bit scared about something. A little bit like the first day back at school after the summer holidays or going to work with a new haircut or attempting to sing in public for the first time, or asking someone if they think you’re well fit or saying what you really think about an important issue to someone influential or sitting on the front row of a comedy gig or taking the day off work to go camping or not saying sorry immediately when a stranger barges into you in the street or pressing the big red button or maintaining eye contact with someone nice for a long time or seeing a film alone or standing somewhere high in the wind or braving a dash through the house in just a towel when your flatmates have friends round or reading something that you have written out loud for the first time. Reading something you have written out loud to a stranger for the first time. Saying words that you have written out loud to a room full of strangers for the first time, lots of times.

Help.

I am currently in the process of making a show. It is really scary (not the show, just the thought/act of making it/performing it). I had an idea whilst sat on one of the many bridges in Newcastle at some point in September last year. I told this idea to people and now there is a thing that is happening that I have every control over and absolutely none over all at the same time. As the show is about anxiety and panic attacks, this is worrying for me. It is also the best thing ever.
Imagine jelly beans in my chest jumping up and down. Imagine on the way up, they scream a question:

WHY ARE YOU THE PERSON DOING THIS?

WHO IS THIS FOR?

DO YOU REALLY NEED TO USE THAT MUCH CANDY FLOSS?

WHAT IF PEOPLE DON’T LIKE IT?

WHAT IF YOU DO THAT THING WRONG AND YOUR FACE GOES ALL RED AND YOU JUST POP ON STAGE?

ARE YOU QUALIFIED ENOUGH?

DO THEY EVEN LOOK LIKE NEURAL PATHWAYS?

IS EVERYONE GOING TO THINK YOU’RE A PLONKER?

WHO EVEN IS TERRY?

YA GONNA JUST DO IT ANYWAY THOUGH RIGHT?

And imagine that on the way down, another jelly bean has heard that jelly bean’s question and is screaming back an answer (out of politeness):

I DON’T KNOW.

ANYONE WHO’S EVER FELT IT, ANYONE WHO LIKES THE RED AUNTS, ANYONE WHO IS THERE FOR  SOMEONE WITH ANXIETY. FOR YOU.

YES. IF ANYTHING, MORE.

THAT WOULD BE A SHAME :(

NOT BIOLOGICALLY POSSIBLE.

DEFINITELY NOT.

NOPE.

MAYBE.

THE TRIANGLE, SILLY.

WHO ARE YOU KIDDING, YOU HAVE TO! YES YES YES YES YES.

Hello. My name is Zoe, if you are here reading this then you probably already know that. I know this is an unconventional first blog post but I didn’t want to do the whole ‘I like cats & baking banana bread & reading the same books over and over again’ speech, even though all of those things are true.
I am a performance maker and poet in the very early stages of my career and I created this blog so I could have a space to process my thoughts about theatre and some life that happens in between. It just so happens that this space is public.
So... hello. 
I hope you are cosy, warm, fed and watered, and I hope you decide to come back to my blog occasionally. I hope occasionally you’d like to join in. I hope that you occasionally get some inquisitive jelly beans in your chest. I hope you have some comforting and honest jelly beans bouncing around in the mix too, to help with those questions, but if not, that’s okay.
I hope you don’t mind my over-use of the word occasionally, or my use of repetition, because that’s probably not going anywhere.
There’s bean ( tehe puns ) one particular jelly bean in my chest for a while, this one was a gobby little shit who had several questions:

ARE YOU EVER GOING TO START THAT BLOG YOU’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT FOR THE PAST 4 YEARS? ARE YOU STILL GOING TO FIND A GARISH FLORAL BACKGROUND? WILL YOU EVER BE BRAVE ENOUGH?

Hello.


NOTE: the jelly beans might actually be swimming pool water.