Tuesday 17 November 2015

Cob Blog

It's another one of those posts I do that is more like a big list about me trying to process life/work stuff late at night. 

I want one of those ones that makes your teeth ache. 
You know, the ones that suck your thoughts out of your brain through a curly straw and then restructures them into something translatable, like bubbles?
One of those ones that whispers to you, looks you straight in the eye then slaps you round the face and runs away. 
I want one that shouts your name and then hides behind corners so you can't quite catch a glimpse. One that has a voice so strong you can still hear it through a hurricane that shares it's name with a middle aged condiment specialist. (Janet? Timothy? Violet? Sticky Stu?)
It doesn't tippex out the bits it doesn't want you to see. It doesn't make a fuss out of addressing you. 
It doesn't ask if you're going anywhere nice on your holidays next year. 

It's a furry animal and it doesn't give a flying fuck if you are allergic to it. It invites you in for a cup of (ethically sourced) tea. It offers you the comfiest chair, whacks the heating on because you are company and it would be rude not to. It is the only place where you can still get those biscuits that your Nan used to have when you were 5 and even though you knew they were from Poundland you could never find them anywhere else but they're here now and it wants you to have all of them and eat until you feel sick and happy and then a bit mad at yourself and then just full. It'll tuck you up in fresh sheets with just the right amount of pillows but it won't lie to you about the monsters in the wardrobe so don't you dare leave one leg hanging out. It remembers what the cold side of the pillow feels like. 

It doesn't mind if you don't listen but it demands your full attention. 
It wants you to love it but deep down it's really looking forward to a fight. 
It takes sick days. 
Yeah... a good old fight. It's heart is in the right place but it also wants to drop kick you just to see what happens. 

It's accent changes slightly every time depending on who it's speaking with because it likes to be accommodating and understands that not everyone calls bread rolls 'cobs'. 

It's the most optimistic pessimist you'll ever come across. 
It always runs for the bus and it always catches it. But then it has to stand. 

It's the type that old men smile at when it carries flowers down the street. The type that teenagers won't fess up to liking, that's when it know's it's on to a winner. 

It's tried cross stitch but it doesn't have the patience so it filled a box with silly string, wrapped it up and wrote your name on the tag in it's best handwriting. (It took evening classes in calligraphy but hasn't mastered the fountain pen.)

Are you bored yet?
It never asks that but it's always implied. 

There is no wrong answer but it knows the one closest to right. 

Shurrup ya twat. (It says.) ... Go on.

It's a pointless answer. 

A phantom wee. 

Hit it in the chest, 10 points. 

It's always the Beyonce but won't ignore Michelle. 

It's that song that goes duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duhhh... You know the one? Like duh duh duh duh duh duhhh.

It's what would happen if Mary Poppins jumped into a Dali painting by accident. 

A cinnamon roll. Tinfoil chewing gum. Wires made out of spaghetti that you can't find the end of but that'll knit you a bloody nice cardigan. Playdough under your nails but in your favourite colour. It ages you by decades but makes you feel young. Silly similies. Death Metaphor. Anthropompomorphism. Imagery that doesn't quite pin the tail on the moose. That one about the mood being like the weather that has fallacy in it. (gust of wind.)

Just random words squished next to each other really but take from that what you will. 

Is it easier to describe what it's not? Who cares. 
Warm custard in a holey boot. Holey as in has holes in it. But that's just because it's saving space for you. Room for a little one?

Dunno what work I wanna make. 
Dunno what sort of work I like to see. 

It saves the cheese sauce just before the point of curdle. It gets confused between pulling the trigger and a trigger warning. It gets up early to walk the dog but it won't make sense until after a coffee. 

I want one of those ones please. 

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