Help! I’ve got jelly beans trapped in my chest and they are
clogging up my brain.
Sitting in a calm environment, listening to music of choice,
start to think about something, get a little bit excited about something. A
little bit scared about something. A little bit like the first day back at
school after the summer holidays or going to work with a new haircut or
attempting to sing in public for the first time, or asking someone if they
think you’re well fit or saying what you really think about an important issue
to someone influential or sitting on the front row of a comedy gig or taking
the day off work to go camping or not saying sorry immediately when a stranger
barges into you in the street or pressing the big red button or maintaining eye
contact with someone nice for a long time or seeing a film alone or standing
somewhere high in the wind or braving a dash through the house in just a towel
when your flatmates have friends round or reading something that you have
written out loud for the first time. Reading something you have written out loud
to a stranger for the first time. Saying words that you have written out loud
to a room full of strangers for the first time, lots of times.
Help.
I am currently in the process of making a show. It is really
scary (not the show, just the thought/act of making it/performing it). I had an
idea whilst sat on one of the many bridges in Newcastle at some point in
September last year. I told this idea to people and now there is a thing that
is happening that I have every control over and absolutely none over all at the
same time. As the show is about anxiety and panic attacks, this is worrying for
me. It is also the best thing ever.
Imagine jelly beans in my chest jumping up and down.
Imagine on the way up, they scream a question:
WHY ARE YOU THE PERSON DOING THIS?
WHO IS THIS FOR?
DO YOU REALLY NEED TO USE THAT MUCH CANDY FLOSS?
WHAT IF PEOPLE DON’T LIKE IT?
WHAT IF YOU DO THAT THING WRONG AND YOUR FACE GOES ALL RED
AND YOU JUST POP ON STAGE?
ARE YOU QUALIFIED ENOUGH?
DO THEY EVEN LOOK LIKE NEURAL PATHWAYS?
IS EVERYONE GOING TO THINK YOU’RE A PLONKER?
WHO EVEN IS TERRY?
YA GONNA JUST DO IT ANYWAY THOUGH RIGHT?
And imagine that on the way down, another jelly bean has heard
that jelly bean’s question and is screaming back an answer (out of politeness):
I DON’T KNOW.
ANYONE WHO’S EVER FELT IT, ANYONE WHO LIKES THE RED AUNTS,
ANYONE WHO IS THERE FOR SOMEONE WITH
ANXIETY. FOR YOU.
YES. IF ANYTHING, MORE.
THAT WOULD BE A SHAME :(
NOT BIOLOGICALLY POSSIBLE.
DEFINITELY NOT.
NOPE.
MAYBE.
THE TRIANGLE, SILLY.
WHO ARE YOU KIDDING, YOU HAVE TO! YES YES YES YES YES.
Hello. My name is Zoe, if you are here reading this then you probably already know that. I know this is an unconventional
first blog post but I didn’t want to do the whole ‘I like cats & baking
banana bread & reading the same books over and over again’ speech, even
though all of those things are true.
I am a performance maker and poet in the
very early stages of my career and I created this blog so I could have a space
to process my thoughts about theatre and some life that happens in between. It just so happens
that this space is public.
So... hello.
I hope you are cosy, warm, fed and watered, and I
hope you decide to come back to my blog occasionally. I hope occasionally you’d
like to join in. I hope that you occasionally get some inquisitive jelly beans
in your chest. I hope you have some comforting and honest jelly beans bouncing
around in the mix too, to help with those questions, but if not, that’s okay.
I
hope you don’t mind my over-use of the word occasionally, or my use of repetition, because that’s probably not going anywhere.
There’s bean ( tehe puns ) one particular jelly bean in
my chest for a while, this one was a gobby little shit who had several
questions:
ARE YOU EVER GOING TO START THAT BLOG YOU’VE BEEN TALKING
ABOUT FOR THE PAST 4 YEARS? ARE YOU STILL GOING TO FIND A GARISH FLORAL BACKGROUND?
WILL YOU EVER BE BRAVE ENOUGH?
Hello.
NOTE: the jelly beans might actually be swimming pool water.
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